Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
are there any atheist mantises?
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?