🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.