WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Milk Cube
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Name this drama.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.