Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
You Might Also Like
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I think they could have phrased this better
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife