I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
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It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
thank god the sign was there
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house