Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.