Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls