Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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Eat…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.