Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
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“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
she has a point
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.