Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom