The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?