Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!