Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.