The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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work smarter, not harder
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!