Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
my friends when i can’t do basic math
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14