What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
my dog when i have a friend over
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.