Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Room with a view.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em