I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[eulogy]
line?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen