9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”