Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
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6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”