Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
That de-escalated quickly
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Guantanamo Bae
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.