I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
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I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.