early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”