911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“I wouldn’t.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.