“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You Might Also Like
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens