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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
i really liked this one
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.