Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.