I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
You Might Also Like
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.