Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
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Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
your honor my client chooses dare
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here