All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
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[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I cannot call her anything else now
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.