“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My life in a nutshell
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
The game has officially changed 😎
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Cat.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.