A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.