[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
giddy up Office Depot
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.