*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
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Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
my friends when i can’t do basic math