You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!