Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….