Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
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Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*