Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
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[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
181.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.