Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.