*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables