When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
For the baby who has everything
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Autocorrect completely socks
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes