Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
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I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.