7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
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My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.