I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 馃槶馃槀
You Might Also Like
Don鈥檛 be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I鈥檓 walking the dog.
I鈥檓 not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that鈥檚 it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don鈥檛 know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian鈥檚 wedding is the one of the saddest things i鈥檝e ever seen
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They鈥檒l take over the world.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what鈥檚 it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that鈥檚 him
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.