[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”