I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.