Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom