“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I know this now 😂
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”