Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”