Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.